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i remember how the world used to glow with vibrant colors; now everything’s just… gray. the days kinda bleed into each other—no shape, no color, nothing. there’s this weight in my chest that never goes away, like some storm cloud that’s about to pour but never does. sometimes i think my feelings are like those trapped storm clouds, super heavy, but just… stuck inside me, y’know?

at night, that’s when the worst thoughts show up. they tell me i’m alone, that i’m worthless. god, i’ve tried so hard to shut them up, to find some relief in my own pain. cutting seemed like the only escape from all this, a way to actually feel something real, even if it was just that sharp sting and seeing my own blood. but the relief never lasts, and then i’m back to feeling even emptier than before.

i’ve thought about ending it all… just stepping off the edge into nothing where maybe this pain would stop. the thought hangs around like a shadow, always there, always making everything darker. it scares me, not ‘cause i’m afraid of dying, but because part of me actually wants it as a way out of this never-ending sadness.

yet, in these really bad moments, i catch myself thinking about tiny bits of light in my life—random memories of laughing, those rare moments of real connection, times when everything doesn’t seem completely awful. it’s those little sparks that fight against the darkness, pushing back just enough to make me stop, to make me wonder if maybe there’s more than just this pain.

but where do i go from here? how the hell do i find my way out of this maze when every turn leads deeper into darkness? i can’t find answers through this fog in my head. i’m terrified that i’ll never escape, that i’ll always be lost, looking for some light that’s not even there.

so, i write sometimes… not because i’ve figured anything out, but because saying this stuff out loud kinda helps lighten the load, even if just for a minute. maybe you get it. maybe you’ve felt this same crushing darkness too. and maybe, just maybe, knowing we’re not going through this crap alone can be our first tiny step toward finding a way out.