emptiness

i finally did it. everything i’d been chasing for years… i actually got there. that job with the fancy title, the apartment overlooking the city, enough money to not even like, look at the price when buying things at the store. all those things i used to daydream about during mind-numbing classes or soul-crushing entry-level jobs.

but here’s the weird part… i don’t feel how i thought i would. like, at all.

i remember thinking once i “made it,” everything would just click into place. that this hollow feeling in my chest would finally fill up. that the constant whisper of “you’re not enough” would finally shut up. but it’s still there, just… different now. quieter maybe, but somehow more disturbing because… shouldn’t it be gone by now?

i keep waiting for that rush, that feeling of “holy shit, i did it!” but it never really showed up. instead there’s just this flat, gray feeling when i look around my life. like, is this seriously it? this is what i killed myself working for?

nobody warns you about this part. everyone’s so busy talking about the grind, the hustle, reaching your goals… but nobody mentions what happens after. they don’t tell you that your brain just recalibrates and suddenly all these impressive things become… normal. boring, even. just another tuesday.

sometimes i think about where i was just two years ago. homeless, with nothing but a backpack of clothes, sleeping in shelters or wherever i could find a safe spot for the night. no money, no family to call, no friends who could take me in. there was something raw and real there that i can’t seem to find anymore. everything now feels… muted. polished to the point of being slippery – nothing to grab onto.

i catch myself looking at people still climbing their mountains with this weird jealousy. not of where they are, but of how they still believe reaching the top will change everything. they still have that fire, that purpose. what do you do when the thing that drove you for so long just… isn’t there anymore?

i’m trying to find new dreams, i guess. smaller ones maybe. ones that aren’t about proving something or reaching some arbitrary marker of success. but it’s hard to reset when you’ve spent your whole life chasing. hard to learn how to just… be.

maybe this is just another phase. maybe the meaning comes later. or maybe this is the actual challenge – not getting what you want, but figuring out what to want once you have everything you thought you needed. either way, the view from the top isn’t what they promised in the brochure.